Being Caught By Ourselves

“I’ve seen the darkest things // crawling inside of me // I’ve seen the monsters come alive…” – Daylight to Break, Switchfoot

Listen to your heart! Truth comes from within! Follow your dreams! You are your own best friend! Do whatever makes you happy!
These are the mantras of our society, are they not?

I know some people who are pretty quiet, and like to think a lot. After I asked one such person if he would tell me what went on in his head, he refused. He said, among other things, that his thoughts scared him. I know what that’s like. At one point in college I perceived that I got to the bottom of myself and my belief system, and found after all the layers was nothing, just deep deep void. That was frightening.

In times like those, it pleases me to crank the metal music and flip my hood up, (call that “happiness” if you will). Project 86 was right when they said: “Most of us would be lying // holding fast to denying // if we said we’re all feeling swell and content.” Their song goes on:

We’re trying
just to convince the world
we’re something
that we can’t be
we are not
afraid of being alone
of being caught by ourselves
with only our own thoughts

No. No. I’ve “been caught by myself with only my own thoughts.” I’ve seen what’s inside of me. The masses of ugliness and despair, the hopelessness and fear, the anger, the gluttony and envy. It’s all right here, in my heart, waiting to come out. Society, am I to follow that?

I have seen where that road goes. Loner linguistics major, who dresses sorta goth, listens to metal music etc etc. Say goodbye. They said “It was a student in distress” and she was ruled a suicide.

So, knowing what I know about myself, how desperately sick my heart is, and wicked, I DO NOT WANT TO FOLLOW IT. Sorry. DO NOT WANT.

What then? If truth cannot be found in myself where shall I look? My heart I could not trust, since it lies to me too much. I once asked one of my friends where he thought morality came from, to which he replied something like “oh, you know, parents, society, friends…and the alien robot chips in our brains.” I got a kick out of that. Kind of a bummer it isn’t true.

Once, I was in pain, asking who could understand my sick heart. Ghost had a simple, but powerful, answer: There is One who understands you. Behold, He knows when we sit, and when we rise, He is familiar with all of our ways. Before a word is on my tongue, He knows it completely.

In Him alone is the hope for my sick heart, my heart unworthy to be followed, containing aught but shades and broken dreams. In Him alone is my hope, for He is the great Understander. He is the Great Physician, who can perform surgery on my wounded, damaged heart. Only He can make me whole again. He is our Chieftain, who casts for us a better vision to follow. I do not have to be frighted, for He is Mighty, far mightier than my fears. He “charms our fears and bids our sorrows cease”. He’s life, and health, and peace.

No, do not follow your heart. Rather, follow the One who made your heart, for He is so much greater than our hearts, and knows everything.

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